Actually, hang on a minute.

Today, for the most part, has been a bloody lovely day. And I'm actually pretty happy. So, thank you. 

October 3rd

So, my second year of university has started, freshers week has come and gone and I've joined a gym. For a while, I never could have imagined that at least two of those things would ever have happened. 

The last couple of posts have been pretty sad. It's very sad and very embarrassing, I'm constantly tempted to delete them, but, they remind me of something that devastated me. But, now, they serve as proof, that I can be fine, that I'm better now than I was, and that things are only going to get better. And if shit happens again, I've got cold, hard proof, that I'll survive. 

But recently, very recently, I've started to realise and actually believe, that things are looking up. And that, there are still lovely people in the world, and they give me reason to believe that I don't actually have to be quite so hard on myself all the time. 

If ever you forget, you'll be okay. 

Note to self.

I will be fine. 

Remember this. 

Day two of the break up

Morning all. Today, I woke up early, I felt like crap. This didn't really surprise me. So, in a desperate attempt to cheer myself up, I threw my gym leggings on and hopped on the exercise bike. I downloaded some Destiny's Child, and cycled away happily for five km. Now, I know it isn't very far and it isn't a massive achievement but it did really make me feel better.

I think I felt better because I was doing something for myself, I was revelling in an attempt to be positive in the wake of what was a horrible experience. However, post cycle and post shower, I felt worse than ever. Anyway, carrying on with my wave of independent-strong-woman-don't-need-no-man thinking, I made myself a really nice breakfast and got settled down with my book. But, it's apparent to me now that, it's going to take a long time to get to a more positive place. I've tried since Saturday (when it happened) to be okay and see the positive side. But, the thing is that I just can't do it.

I equate happy with him, and in my head at the minute, I haven't got him therefore, I can't have happy. He told me yesterday that he was beginning to think that he wants to be with her. That felt like being kicked in the stomach. I just want to know the truth and I feel as though he isn't telling me something. I'm at a loss of what to do. Imagining him with her, makes me want to be sick. I don't want him to be with anyone else, I know this sounds selfish but, I feel justified in that right now. Obviously, all I want him to be happy, but I know I can make him happy.


I feel so low, and so down and this is such an incoherent post and that's not making me feel any better. But, my heads a little bit messed up, so I suppose that makes sense. I wish I could hate him. But, I can't and that's making this too difficult. I never wanted to blog about this, it feels too public, but I think it helps to get it out in the open.


Today's a sad day, too.

bit of a sad post today

Okay, well, I got some really sad news yesterday. My boyfriend of three years, practically, told me that he'd been cheating on me with a girl he lives with and that, therefore, he had to end our relationship.



I've been trying to process this information and it isn't really going very successfully. I'm sad and then I'm mad and then I've forgotten. I'm also undeniably in denial. What hit me today was that not only have I lost the guy I love, but also, one of my best friends. He is everything to me, I tell him everything that happens to me on a daily basis. He knows all the useless information, and all the private things. I've given him everything I can, and it seems that it just wasn't enough. There is a part of me that blames myself for this happening, and then the more rational half, that knows that this isn't my fault. And then, on top of all of that, there's the overwhelming feeling that he's made the wrong decision about us.



I understand, he thinks I deserve better, that he's bad for me. But, that should be my choice. And he's taken that away from me. I'm devastated, and I can't do anything to make myself feel any better. I can't imagine being without him. But, apparently, that's the reality I'm faced with.


I know I'm young, we're both young, but I was convinced, I remain convinced, that he was it for me. I only hope that he realises this too.


I never, ever thought I'd be this girl, who is so depressed about being broken up with. The girl who can't see a way out. The only way out I can think of, is with him. Regardless of what he's done. I also didn't think I'd ever be cheated on, twice, by the same person. I'm beginning to doubt that I'll ever trust anyone again.



Please, excuse my cynicism and negativity, but I just want to wallow in my misery for the next few days.

naughty blogger..

Let's all take the title of this post as innocently as we possibly can, for a start.


I'm naughty because I've completely failed to blog lately, although I've been blogging mentally alllll the time.


I realised I last posted at the end of February, and we are now two thirds of the way through May, which means we are almost in June, which means we are almost half way through 2014. Can you believe that? I certainly can't. To continue this uplifting note, I'm three days away from (unofficially) finishing my first year at University. I can honestly say I don't actually feel any more intelligent than I did when I started, but we'll see..



I was talking to a friend from home the other day, and she said how scary it is that this time last year we were all together, and now the three 'unfortunates' as we were once so fondly known, are strewn around the country, keeping in touch via iMessage, and updating eachother once a term over lunch. (Good lord, that is a long sentence, I would be marked down for that if this was an essay..). Anyway, the friend from home, could not have been more right. Lately, the weather has been super nice, and I've kept thinking about my last year at school, massively reminiscing and reveling in my nostalgia however, I'm still completely aware of how awful I found it.


College was a strange place. After leaving high school in year nine and transitioning into year ten and then leaving after year thirteen, I can definitely say that I was not the same person, for a while, it was a positive transformation, and for the later two years, it was a more negative one. And, this past academic year whilst in Nottingham, I think I've been trying to repair the damage, because it's definitely become more noticeable, to myself anyway. But, on the whole, I think I'm actually feeling a lot better in myself, which is nice, or at least, I can see a way to be better.



It would appear that I'm feeling quite pensive tonight, which I was unaware of until now after waffling all of that. I suppose that's what a lazy morning and half a day of revision and Desperate Housewives can do to you..


I'm not really sure where to go from here, my emotional unloading appears to have finished, and I suppose this post and twitter update counts as a good enough revision break, so I'd better get back to it.. wooooo.




To conclude, what is a longer post than expected, I think I'm feeling quite happy today. It's making a nice change.

o+o.

comments?

I keep an eye on my page views and stats, and I currently have about 900, and I'd love to know who actually reads this blog. I started "alright, dollface" as a way of letting go and, I think I sort of treat it as a diary, that the entirety of the internet has the power to read.. but I try not to think about that too much...



But, drop me a comment, or follow me on twitter, or hunt me down, I don't mind!




p.s @fiona_melia


o&o <3

Apologies and an update!

Evening all

I feel like I've been very naughty as I haven't really kept up with my promise to update my blog more. However, I'm here now, so all is good, as long as I'm forgiven.


Life is busy, also hard and stressful and generally quite 'meh' worthy at times. Currently in the midst of my first piece of semester 2 coursework for my literature module, that is definitely worthy of a 'meh', dull questions about dull books to be handed in to a dull lecturer. It is possible that I'm being overly negative and if I just stopped all negative vibes, then maybe I'd manage to feel slightly more inspired. However, I've started the prep for it, and I have tomorrow off so, hopefully, hopefully, touch wood, fingers crossed, I'll actually get a good start on it. (See, that's practically positive, I am clearly already a changed woman).



ALSO, I COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED BECAUSE I GET TO SEE R. TOMORROW. Eek, my dearest, bestest, most lovely friend ever in the whole world. We've both been busy with uni and then busy at christmas and with coursework and exams and we've finally managed to actually plan to meet up during term time, and I could quite honestly bounce off of walls. So, I'm venturing to Birmingham tomorrow and saturday for one massive catch up and best friend fest. YAY. And also, holiday shopping, which makes me a very happy bunny, I have definitely been having withdrawal symptoms from the sun.



Life in Halls, is mixed, maybe turbulent is a better word or, perhaps, tumultuous is. There are definite ups and also definite downs, neither of which I shall go into here, maybe another post dedicated to uni and halls and studenthood will be created, however.




I can't say I've been up to much especially, nothing of interest anyway. I went to Sainsbury's, LOVE a good trip there (in all seriousness, I do). I'm spending most days attempting to keep my head above water.




Okay, I think here could well be the end point for tonight, I'm very tired and also very awake but I feel like sleep is the answer and will magically fix everything. So, I might just be back tomorrow, there's no telling.



Over and out, my angels. <3

p.s...

making a promise to my blog and myself to update this more.




I have so much to say. So much has happened, eek.




so, here's to keeping you posted. <3

You are being very mean to my friend and I do not like you for it.

Right. Turning to my trusty, and neglected, blog for a little rant.


One of my very dear friends, Fleur-to those in the know-is currently very sad. Due to, amongst other things, his ex-girlfriend, who by all accounts was a charming specimen.


She doesn't know me, however similar our names are, and granted I don't know her. I also do not feel that I'm missing out on her friendship.


All I have ever witness her do is tear my Fleur down, completely indirectly, funnily her enough, via her blog. It's true, he was happy when he was with her, but since she went to university, their relationship-or what I encountered of it-changed, and has left him very unhappy.



She is, in my head, a controlling, vindictive mess of a young woman. I am also fairly sure she won't read this, however, I would urge her to just in case she isn't aware of what she's doing.


Why are people so cruel to each other?! We have no need to be so derogatory (yes, I know, says me who just called someone else vindictive) or so cruel or so anything.




I am not on the best of terms with the world. I have that horrible helpless feeling, when you want desperately to help and there is nothing at all you can do other than watch someone you love and care about suffer at the hands of someone who clearly does not care. At all. About anyone.




SO. Coming to a conclusion to this more than slightly disjointed blog, I do not like this excuse of a girl, for what she's done or who I perceive her to be and I am thankful I have never had anything to do with her. Fleur can and will do better than her. I have never been more certain of anything, ever.




I feel a cyber toast coming on, to Fleur.