Morning all. Today, I woke up early, I felt like crap. This didn't really surprise me. So, in a desperate attempt to cheer myself up, I threw my gym leggings on and hopped on the exercise bike. I downloaded some Destiny's Child, and cycled away happily for five km. Now, I know it isn't very far and it isn't a massive achievement but it did really make me feel better.
I think I felt better because I was doing something for myself, I was revelling in an attempt to be positive in the wake of what was a horrible experience. However, post cycle and post shower, I felt worse than ever. Anyway, carrying on with my wave of independent-strong-woman-don't-need-no-man thinking, I made myself a really nice breakfast and got settled down with my book. But, it's apparent to me now that, it's going to take a long time to get to a more positive place. I've tried since Saturday (when it happened) to be okay and see the positive side. But, the thing is that I just can't do it.
I equate happy with him, and in my head at the minute, I haven't got him therefore, I can't have happy. He told me yesterday that he was beginning to think that he wants to be with her. That felt like being kicked in the stomach. I just want to know the truth and I feel as though he isn't telling me something. I'm at a loss of what to do. Imagining him with her, makes me want to be sick. I don't want him to be with anyone else, I know this sounds selfish but, I feel justified in that right now. Obviously, all I want him to be happy, but I know I can make him happy.
I feel so low, and so down and this is such an incoherent post and that's not making me feel any better. But, my heads a little bit messed up, so I suppose that makes sense. I wish I could hate him. But, I can't and that's making this too difficult. I never wanted to blog about this, it feels too public, but I think it helps to get it out in the open.
Today's a sad day, too.
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