Note to self.

I will be fine. 

Remember this. 

Day two of the break up

Morning all. Today, I woke up early, I felt like crap. This didn't really surprise me. So, in a desperate attempt to cheer myself up, I threw my gym leggings on and hopped on the exercise bike. I downloaded some Destiny's Child, and cycled away happily for five km. Now, I know it isn't very far and it isn't a massive achievement but it did really make me feel better.

I think I felt better because I was doing something for myself, I was revelling in an attempt to be positive in the wake of what was a horrible experience. However, post cycle and post shower, I felt worse than ever. Anyway, carrying on with my wave of independent-strong-woman-don't-need-no-man thinking, I made myself a really nice breakfast and got settled down with my book. But, it's apparent to me now that, it's going to take a long time to get to a more positive place. I've tried since Saturday (when it happened) to be okay and see the positive side. But, the thing is that I just can't do it.

I equate happy with him, and in my head at the minute, I haven't got him therefore, I can't have happy. He told me yesterday that he was beginning to think that he wants to be with her. That felt like being kicked in the stomach. I just want to know the truth and I feel as though he isn't telling me something. I'm at a loss of what to do. Imagining him with her, makes me want to be sick. I don't want him to be with anyone else, I know this sounds selfish but, I feel justified in that right now. Obviously, all I want him to be happy, but I know I can make him happy.


I feel so low, and so down and this is such an incoherent post and that's not making me feel any better. But, my heads a little bit messed up, so I suppose that makes sense. I wish I could hate him. But, I can't and that's making this too difficult. I never wanted to blog about this, it feels too public, but I think it helps to get it out in the open.


Today's a sad day, too.

bit of a sad post today

Okay, well, I got some really sad news yesterday. My boyfriend of three years, practically, told me that he'd been cheating on me with a girl he lives with and that, therefore, he had to end our relationship.



I've been trying to process this information and it isn't really going very successfully. I'm sad and then I'm mad and then I've forgotten. I'm also undeniably in denial. What hit me today was that not only have I lost the guy I love, but also, one of my best friends. He is everything to me, I tell him everything that happens to me on a daily basis. He knows all the useless information, and all the private things. I've given him everything I can, and it seems that it just wasn't enough. There is a part of me that blames myself for this happening, and then the more rational half, that knows that this isn't my fault. And then, on top of all of that, there's the overwhelming feeling that he's made the wrong decision about us.



I understand, he thinks I deserve better, that he's bad for me. But, that should be my choice. And he's taken that away from me. I'm devastated, and I can't do anything to make myself feel any better. I can't imagine being without him. But, apparently, that's the reality I'm faced with.


I know I'm young, we're both young, but I was convinced, I remain convinced, that he was it for me. I only hope that he realises this too.


I never, ever thought I'd be this girl, who is so depressed about being broken up with. The girl who can't see a way out. The only way out I can think of, is with him. Regardless of what he's done. I also didn't think I'd ever be cheated on, twice, by the same person. I'm beginning to doubt that I'll ever trust anyone again.



Please, excuse my cynicism and negativity, but I just want to wallow in my misery for the next few days.